Hi Elaine: My sister was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in December 2020. I took care of her full-time until she died in September 2022. I have done all the “right” things: I have a lovely therapist, I got a memorial tattoo, I took time before I went back to work. None of it has eased the pain. People always say that grief fades with time and things will get better. But, Elaine, I am still in so much pain. At 24, I feel like I’ll never really be happy again. Please tell me when it’ll stop hurting so much.
— Still Hurting
Still Hurting: I’m so very sorry for your loss. Navigating the death of a sibling, especially after a long period as a caretaker, must be unimaginably heartbreaking, complex and destabilizing. People struggle to comprehend the pain of grief and loss if they have never been there, and they often don’t know how to help beyond offering platitudes and hollow advice in lieu of actual comfort. I hope what I’m about to share provides you with some sense of relief, even if it is temporary.
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Grief is one of life’s greatest and most painful pivots. And, sadly, as I’m sure you have already noticed, we live in a deeply grief-averse society that expects you to bounce back to “normal” and just move on after the death of a loved one. But the grieving process is a lifelong journey that is neither linear nor standardized from one person to the next.
You wrote, “People always say that grief fades with time and things will get better,” but this misguided notion creates unrealistic expectations about what navigating grief really looks like. It might even be responsible for the misalignment between where you are in your process and where you think you should be. The first step is to remove any of the “shoulds” in how you think about grief.
Just because you feel stuck in your grief doesn’t mean you are doing it “wrong.” You are doing everything right, and it can still feel all bad inside. As much as I wish there were a spell to cast, an elixir to sip, a magic pill to take the pain away, there isn’t. It’s natural to want to rush to the other side, but as my mom always tells me: There is no way to but through. You are doing all the right things and, unfortunately, you just have to keep doing them.
The truth is you have so much life ahead of you, and you are still in the earliest days of your grieving process. I know the truth doesn’t always feel helpful in painful moments, but give yourself some grace. And though it may feel impossible to look forward to life ahead of you without your sister in this moment, remember you are on a journey of self-discovery that requires you to stay open to experiencing new dimensions of life on the other side of her death.
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Rather than thinking of your sister’s death as something you are meant to get over, consider reframing this life event as something that is shaping you into the person you are becoming. Try your best not to judge yourself and your progress because there is no timeline on healing. Instead of resisting grief’s hold on you, what if you embraced it?
Going forward, can you try to integrate daily rituals, like a writing practice, meditation or quiet time, that allow space to process whatever is coming up for you in the moment? Whether it’s tears, opportunities for reflection and remembrance, or even feelings of anger or resentment, it’s important to create consistent pathways to offload the weight of what you feel.
Imagine grief like waves in an ocean. As the waves swell, you can deny their power and get swallowed whole. Or you can learn to embrace and even anticipate them. As you make a practice of engaging with the waves of grief from a place of acceptance, slowly, over time, you learn how to ride them more and more gracefully. It will become a new life skill that will help you through other hard moments in life. In this way, you can incorporate the deep, powerful love you share with your sister into how you choose to move through everyday life without her.
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Marisa Renee Lee, author of “Grief Is Love,” explains grief as a form of unrequited love. “So much of who we are is because of, or a reflection of those we love, and that makes their departure absolutely life altering and transformational,” Lee says. “Whoever you lost still loves you, and their inability to act on that love is why we grieve. Those of us left behind are asked to manage the pain of unrequited unconditional love. The greater the love, the greater the pain.”
I hope this helps you reframe your grief as the life-altering pivot that it is. Keep taking one tiny step forward at a time to build your new life. A life where you can honor your sister’s memory, continue to love her and, in return, feel her love.
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