This weekâs installment of Rock of Love seriously tests my gag reflex. Iâll get to that in a bit. Suffice to say tonight VH-1 is serving up amputee baby dolls, spicy Ukrainian meatballs, Frenchieâs “free spirit,” restraining orders and bandanas galore.
The episode opens with the girls climbing out of bed, each of them with a full face of makeup, except for Kristy Joe, who always seems to be putting it on. Megan reads Bretâs note concerning their next challenge in which the girls must “push and shove.” Megan tells us that she lacks “athleticness,” so she has some doubts about this next event.
At the challenge, which is taking place at an indoor roller derby track, Bret says that heâs a good dad so heâs looking for a girl with a “mother bear instinct.” The girls must protect a plastic “Little Baby Bret” in a stroller and get him around the roller derby track three times. The LA Derby Dolls will try to take them out. I realize that I might be more afraid of the LA Derby Dolls than I am of Frenchie and Inna combined. The girls are split into three teams of four, and off we go.
Most of Bretâs beyotches have never skated before, and it shows. The pink team is humiliated when the Derby Dolls wind up snatching and punching the “baby.” Iâm genuinely troubled by this scene. Later, one of the Derby Dolls rips off the red teamâs babyâs arm. Innaâs physical stature alone qualifies her for Derby Doll status, so Iâm a little disappointed that sheâs not smacking down. Kristy Joe gets totally nailed by “the big one” but overall does very well.
The faux plastic baby doctor announces the results of his “examinations.” The pink teamâs baby has a dire prognosis. The red teamâs baby will never lead a normal life. The blue team has a prognosis of normal “rock star” life. Being members of the winning blue team, Frenchie, Aubry and Inna will go on a “killer” date with Bret that night, and Kristy Joe, as MVP, gets to go on a “personal, private” date with Bret the next day.
Back at Rancho Carne, we learn that Kristy Joe is a mom, as is Katherine a/k/a Elvira. Kristy Joe laughs and says that while she might be a mother, the Mistress of the Dark sure canât skate. Oh no! What an insult!
Frenchie, Inna and Madame Tussaud go on their date with Bret. Some small hungry rodent apparently attacked Frenchieâs hideous pink dress. They all go to Ivan Kaneâs Forty Deuce burlesque club, where Frenchie “eez so excited because I am a streeper.” Tussaud has been a trained dancer since she was 7. My clever readers, this means sheâs been dancing for at least 50 years!
Bret is spot on when he declares that Inna, his “Ukrainian love tank,” totally sucks as a burlesque dancer, but he loses me when he says sheâs still a “spicy meatball.” Tussaud gets up there and shakes it fairly well for someone completely fashioned from wax. Frenchie immediately removes every last bit of her clothes, and Iâm waiting for the “discovery” that sheâs actually a man. Alas. Bret thinks her body is smoking hot, and he loves her free spirit. “I know he want me so bad,” she says, but she gets scolded by Ivan Kane for getting naked, which is a non-non. “Iâm sorreee but I cannot help myself!”
Destiney confronts Kristy Joe, I guess for saying that Elvira is not a good roller skater and twisting her words. Something about how Kristy Joe told Elvira that Destiney and some other girls were talking smack about Elvira. You lost me, but whatever. Then Megan says something about Kristy Joe not wearing enough makeup. Day-um! I heard that! Whatever, Frenchie, Inna, Tussaud and Bret are back, and heâs ready to party. “The big head is saying letâs do it.” Ugh! Blech! What a d-bag. Vomit comet. Meanwhile, Kristy Joe is crying in the bathroom. Tussaud tries to make her feel better.
Kristy Joe is getting ready to barbeque for her special one-on-one date with Bret. Destiney and Daisy, both being VIPs, plot to bust up Kristy Joeâs date. As they start to cut into their steaks that Kristy Joe prepared, Bret is babbling something ridiculous and not substantive whatsoever about why dates are good. As they chat, we learn that Kristy Joe is still legally married and in the process of an annulment. Thereâs also a restraining order involved. Bret looks concerned.
Uh-oh. Skank alert. Destiney crashes the date, wanting to cash in her VIP pass. Kristy Joe is aghast. She got laid out by a big scary woman on roller skates to earn this date. Destiney says sheâd like for Kristy Joe to leave, which she does. Destiney immediately straddles Bretâs lap and they make out. Bret explains that his diversion by Destiney was helpful, because he needs some time to wrap his head around Kristy Joeâs “marification.”
After some time, Destiney gets the boot and Kristy Joe comes back to continue her date. Meanwhile, Destiney gives Daisy the high sign to bust in on their date. But Bret knows whatâs going on, and he asks her to leave. Sheâs worried heâs mad.
Bret is concerned that if Kristy Joeâs upset about these scheming hos, what will she do when heâs on tour and heâs doing a passel of girls backstage. Bret feels awful about turning Daisy away, so he takes a minute to talk to Daisy and admire her plastic surgeonâs work. Daisy feels the same way. “I just want to stirrrrr into his eyessssss.”
Tussaud is afraid that Kristy Joe might be going home as one of the two eliminated ladies, because Bret is looking for “fighters.” Iâm afraid that I made a mistake watching this show on my big TV, because Iâm seeing these faces a little too closely.
As Bret announces the girls who will stay in the house and rock his world, Roxy is worried that she didnât use her VIP pass wisely, or really at all. Pretty soon, thereâs only one pass left, and Kristy Joe, Roxy and Frenchie are facing elimination. Bret chooses Kristy Joe to stay, which means everybodyâs favorite heeembo streeper and the funky chicken expert get the boot. Bret blames Roxy for not using her VIP pass to bust in for some private time with him, but like Roxy tells us, “Iâm a damn good woman.” Frenchie cannot believe sheâs going home, but Bretâs been down the “free spirit” road and he canât do it again. Other roads, perhaps. A highway in Pennsylvania comes to mind. Alors, ca va bien. “I gave heem everyzing I cood.” And then some, Frenchie! Destiney reminds us, very loudly for no reason, that everyone hates Kristy Joe and they all want her out of there. I, for one, hope Destiney is the next to go home, and she can take her sidekick Jessica Two-Tone Highlights with her. Iâll miss Frenchie a leetle, tho. Peyton and Daisy are clearly in the running to be in the final group. Or grope, as it were. Whoâs with me? If you canât answer right now because youâre headâs over a toilet or trash receptacle after this episode, I totally understand.
– Nicole Homewood
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